finding joy and healing after being devastated by a miscarriage

The turning point came about 3 weeks ago.  I no longer wanted to feel out of control, a bubbling mess. a victim. a survivor.  I wanted to find healing or joy but I didn’t know how.  I was depressed, anxious and looking everywhere for answers.  How do I  stop these inadequate feelings? how do I grieve but still live?
healing aftermiscarriage


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Gods will


I was sitting with a couple of other Moms at Karate class today.  As always the topic comes up about family and kids.  One mom had 4 kids and the other had 5 kids. They joked about what their kids have done to them and taken from them.  Taken their stomach muscles, sanity, sleeping in etc.

The last child of one of the moms was a surprise.  Then she stated “God is in control of our family and gives us the perfect size of family”. This hurt me!  Even though it is true, it is so hard that I have the desire to mother and my babies are in heaven, where they don’t need mothering.

I just felt like I was slapped in the face with that statement. They meant no harm but my insecurities and sensitivities made my broken heart throb a little more.  I don’t know how to reconcile biblical truth with my desires and not feel inferior or sub par.  I guess this is another aspect of baby loss that I have to work on.

What do you have a hard time with?  How do you reconcile it?

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meals and miscarriage

When I was struggling after my miscarriages and stillbirths, the thought of meals for my family was over-whelming!  Deciding what to make daily, going to the store to get the ingredients, make the meal, eat the meal and then the clean up and dishes.  I just couldn’t!  Some days I couldn’t even call for a pizza (seriously). My Doctor suggested a chef but I couldn’t afford this.  I wanted to do once a month cooking, freezer meals or batch cooking but I couldn’t find any healthy meals that my family would like.

Untill now!

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painful memories

It doesn’t take much to bring all the memories back, the smells, the pity and awkward looks on people’s faces, the emptiness and aloneness, being so scared the feelings of being a failure. The unfairness of it all. I will never hold my babies this side of heaven and I so wanted the chance to parent them.

Tonight all the old feelings returned with a vengeance when I was walking in the park and passed a new baby, mommy and daddy.  The baby was fussing so they picked him up.  I’m not envious that I wanted that baby, but I wanted my babies.  My heart gets so sad and so jealous that it’s not me comforting my baby.  That I will never smell that beautiful baby smell, comfort my child, hold him, rock him.  Why, why?  Why did this have to happen? Why am I missing out on weddings, first day of schools, etc.?  Why am  I living  with 4 children in heaven and 1 in earth.

The truth is I will never know. I have to give myself permission not to understand.

Ecclesiastes 11:5 New Living Translation (NLT)

 Just as you cannot understand the path of the wind or the mystery of a tiny baby growing in its mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the activity of God, who does all things.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not blaming God for taking my children.  I firmly believe, that it is because we live in a fallen world that my children are not with me.  I do believe, I do not understand Gods thoughts because I am human.  I can’t fathom why I had to experience this!  Unlike other people who have experienced baby loss who have found a reason or meaning, to this day, I do not see any good or any meaning  in what has happened.  I do garner great comfort though from the last half of the verse…so you cannot understand the activity of God, who does all things.  He is not being sneaky and not letting us know or laughing at us because we are meer mortals, we simply can not understand because we are human and have human thinking, human brains etc.  

As the years go on  I  hope that pain gets less and less! Acceptance will grow and Joy will return and life will not seem as meaningless.

 What upsets you?
What do you do when you get upset?
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its hard to count it all joy


I want to draw attention to this song and interview.  It is so raw and haunting !  I think it could be my anthem for the last few years.  Please listen, it will bless you and encourage you !  Let me know what you think!

Thy Will

I’m so confused
I know I heard you loud and clear
So, I followed through
Somehow I ended up here
I don’t wanna think
I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of your plan
When I try to pray
All I’ve got is hurt and these four words
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done

I know you’re good
But this don’t feel good right now
And I know you think
Of things I could never think about
It’s hard to count it all joy
Distracted by the noise
Just trying to make sense
Of all your promises
Sometimes I gotta stop
Remember that you’re God
And I am not
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will
I know you see me
I know you hear me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Goodness you have in store
I know you hear me
I know you see me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Good news you have in store
So, thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
I know you see me
I know you hear me, Lord

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Lyrics © Warner/Chappell Music, Inc., Universal Music Publishing Group
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Read more: Hillary Scott – Thy Will Lyrics | MetroLyrics

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beauty on the inside

I taped Keeping up with the Kardashians and was watching it as I went to bed last night.   That show along with the Housewife franchises are my guilty pleasures. I LOVE them!!!  
Last night the story focused on Kim and the publics perception of Kanye.  She was shooting a music video with Fergie as well. The whole episode made me so sad.  
Kim was so concerned about her weight and being a MILF.  At one point she was asked by a Stylist what are 3 words that describe her or how she wants the viewers to see her. She said “sexy” or a “MILF” That’s her goal, her want, her need is to be sexy.  Kim doesn’t want to be kind or compassionate, or glamorous. Not smart or wise but sexy!  
In turn this is what our society wants as well!  The majority of us only value what we see. Just the window dressing not the characteristics that take time and perseverance to develop. We do not tend to value any qualities that help society and our families.  We lose our usefulness if we aren’t beautiful by society standards. We don’t take notice if someone isn’t gorgeous and all too often we value ourselves less if we aren’t a MILF.
This is so wrong!  If we don’t know who we are we won’t have any inner strength to rely on when times are tough. If we only concentrate on the superficial, we won’t develop any type of character to contribute to society or to help ourselves or model to the next generation. What has happened to working hard, being kind or showing compassion? We should all concentrate on making our insides as beautiful as we concentrate on making the outside beautiful. 
My outlook has completely changed since I lost  our babies.  I really see that outsides don’t matter.  The insides are what matter.  The character you develop will help you through the tough times.  The relationships that you have forged will sustain you when times are hard.  When your life gets messy the people that value beautiful, will disappear.  The ones that can see deeper, feel deeper and value authentic relationship will be there, loving you  and pouring their compassion, understanding, and kindness into you.
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husbands grief over miscarriage, stillbirth or babyloss

Baby Loss is a very hard journey on both partners.   On your wedding day, between the vows, cutting the cake and posing for pictures , you never think you are going to walk this journey of grief and loss?  or how gut wrenching life can be?.  You think the future is rosy and you are going to be great at marriage.  Then the unthinkable happens and we are so disappointed, hurt emotionally and sometimes physically, that we hurt each other too with insensitive comments and actions. 

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