October 15

Yesterday was October 15 , here is an excerpt from October15.org explaining what that means: 

In October 1988, President Ronald Reagan Proclaimed October as National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. “When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower. When parents lose their child, there isn’t a word to describe them. This month recognizes the loss so many parents experience across the United States and around the world. It is also meant to inform and provide resources for parents who have lost children due to miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, molar pregnancy, stillbirths, birth defects, SIDS, and other causes.”

Robyn Bear, founder of www.october15th.com envisioned a day when all grieving parents could come together and be surrounded by love and support from their friends and families, a day where the community could better understand their pain and learn how to reach out to those grieving. This would be a day to reflect on the loss yet embrace the love. While our babies’ lives where so brief, they were also very meaningful. Yet, there was not a time to talk about them. Our society seemed to forget or perhaps, simply didn’t know how to reach out. Since October had been proclaimed “Awareness Month”, she chose a day, in the middle of the month to become, “Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day”. We are asking everyone in all times zones, worldwide, to join us in a candle lighting ceremony at 7pm on October 15th

When I woke yesterday I received an email from a friend,  I’ve attached it below.

 I’m sorry

 The kindness meant so much , I can’t explain it.  I’m not shown a lot of kindness, the avoidance, the eye rolls, the “you not over that yet” statements, so her to acknowledge my feelings was amazing. Was affirming, yes I am a mother to 5 beautiful children.  Then a Facebook “friend” participated in a balloon release and included my 4 kids.  How wonderful!!, what kindness to show me, to take the time to write their names!  To do this, I’m in awe!! To show undeserved kindness and not expect anything in return is so rare!  It’s beautiful when it happens and means so much to me.

Continue Reading

finding joy and healing after being devastated by a miscarriage

The turning point came about 3 weeks ago.  I no longer wanted to feel out of control, a bubbling mess. a victim. a survivor.  I wanted to find healing or joy but I didn’t know how.  I was depressed, anxious and looking everywhere for answers.  How do I  stop these inadequate feelings? how do I grieve but still live?
healing aftermiscarriage


Continue Reading

painful memories

It doesn’t take much to bring all the memories back, the smells, the pity and awkward looks on people’s faces, the emptiness and aloneness, being so scared the feelings of being a failure. The unfairness of it all. I will never hold my babies this side of heaven and I so wanted the chance to parent them.

Tonight all the old feelings returned with a vengeance when I was walking in the park and passed a new baby, mommy and daddy.  The baby was fussing so they picked him up.  I’m not envious that I wanted that baby, but I wanted my babies.  My heart gets so sad and so jealous that it’s not me comforting my baby.  That I will never smell that beautiful baby smell, comfort my child, hold him, rock him.  Why, why?  Why did this have to happen? Why am I missing out on weddings, first day of schools, etc.?  Why am  I living  with 4 children in heaven and 1 in earth.

The truth is I will never know. I have to give myself permission not to understand.

Ecclesiastes 11:5 New Living Translation (NLT)

 Just as you cannot understand the path of the wind or the mystery of a tiny baby growing in its mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the activity of God, who does all things.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not blaming God for taking my children.  I firmly believe, that it is because we live in a fallen world that my children are not with me.  I do believe, I do not understand Gods thoughts because I am human.  I can’t fathom why I had to experience this!  Unlike other people who have experienced baby loss who have found a reason or meaning, to this day, I do not see any good or any meaning  in what has happened.  I do garner great comfort though from the last half of the verse…so you cannot understand the activity of God, who does all things.  He is not being sneaky and not letting us know or laughing at us because we are meer mortals, we simply can not understand because we are human and have human thinking, human brains etc.  

As the years go on  I  hope that pain gets less and less! Acceptance will grow and Joy will return and life will not seem as meaningless.

 What upsets you?
What do you do when you get upset?
Continue Reading

beauty on the inside

I taped Keeping up with the Kardashians and was watching it as I went to bed last night.   That show along with the Housewife franchises are my guilty pleasures. I LOVE them!!!  
Last night the story focused on Kim and the publics perception of Kanye.  She was shooting a music video with Fergie as well. The whole episode made me so sad.  
Kim was so concerned about her weight and being a MILF.  At one point she was asked by a Stylist what are 3 words that describe her or how she wants the viewers to see her. She said “sexy” or a “MILF” That’s her goal, her want, her need is to be sexy.  Kim doesn’t want to be kind or compassionate, or glamorous. Not smart or wise but sexy!  
In turn this is what our society wants as well!  The majority of us only value what we see. Just the window dressing not the characteristics that take time and perseverance to develop. We do not tend to value any qualities that help society and our families.  We lose our usefulness if we aren’t beautiful by society standards. We don’t take notice if someone isn’t gorgeous and all too often we value ourselves less if we aren’t a MILF.
This is so wrong!  If we don’t know who we are we won’t have any inner strength to rely on when times are tough. If we only concentrate on the superficial, we won’t develop any type of character to contribute to society or to help ourselves or model to the next generation. What has happened to working hard, being kind or showing compassion? We should all concentrate on making our insides as beautiful as we concentrate on making the outside beautiful. 
My outlook has completely changed since I lost  our babies.  I really see that outsides don’t matter.  The insides are what matter.  The character you develop will help you through the tough times.  The relationships that you have forged will sustain you when times are hard.  When your life gets messy the people that value beautiful, will disappear.  The ones that can see deeper, feel deeper and value authentic relationship will be there, loving you  and pouring their compassion, understanding, and kindness into you.
Continue Reading