The turning point came about 3 weeks ago. I no longer wanted to feel out of control, a bubbling mess. a victim. a survivor. I wanted to find healing or joy but I didn’t know how. I was depressed, anxious and looking everywhere for answers. How do I stop these inadequate feelings? how do I grieve but still live?
I decided, I am not going to let professionals heap on diagnoses, well meaning people tell me what’s wrong with me anymore. I know what is wrong…
Grief is what is wrong, living without my babies is what is wrong! I also, was looking in all the wrong places. My husband is the one that noticed this and said “look within; you have the answers, believe in yourself, you are made in God’s image. Do not believe every well meaning person.” I also found, it is very hard to be negative when I am concentrating on Jesus. Read your Bible, start a devotional, it doesn’t have to be heavy. I found when I concentrate on Christ and not myself it makes all the difference.
I think maybe I’ve finally come to terms with what has happened. I can still feel these horrible emotions but function. I am not broken, maybe a little bruised and uncomfortable with these emotions as they are not pleasant feelings, but I will control my feelings, not let my feelings control me. I want to figure out where I am going and how to get there. Although, I still have bad days and anxiety, I am choosing to live!
There are some great reasons to find joy after miscarriage.
- To make your eternal babies proud.
- To make a difference to others by telling your story
- Shine light on this often taboo subject.
- To live, really live.
- Strengthen relationships.
- To not feel lonely.
- To help others in the same position as yourself.
This is what I am doing to find joy:
Physically: walking each day, trying to eat better
Emotional: seeing the Doctor regularly
Mentally: taking supplements and an anti anxiety medicine regularly
Spiritually: I bible art journal regularly and go to bible study each week.
I also know my limitations and when to say no. I practice putting my husband and family first all the time.
I don’t want these past 5 years to be my whole story just part of my story. So I am trying to live by a schedule, trying to do activities that make me happy, trying to be a good wife.
It is hard work trying to get my “happy” back and although I’m different than before, I am determined that I will be better than before. By participating in activities, I like to do and are good for me, hopefully I will find purpose and where I’m supposed to be.
What do you do to find your joy?