husbands grief over miscarriage, stillbirth or babyloss

Baby Loss is a very hard journey on both partners.   On your wedding day, between the vows, cutting the cake and posing for pictures , you never think you are going to walk this journey of grief and loss?  or how gut wrenching life can be?.  You think the future is rosy and you are going to be great at marriage.  Then the unthinkable happens and we are so disappointed, hurt emotionally and sometimes physically, that we hurt each other too with insensitive comments and actions. 

Our partners say something  we think is harsh,  they go back to work too soon, not “talk”  and we hurt more , are resentful and feel alone. Reality is our partners feel the loss, see you heartbroken, it impacts their lives, but, our partners grieve differently than us.  This is to be expected as they had a different relationship with the baby.   Even the most sympathetic of partners can not  fully understand as they did not have the baby growing in them.  They didn’t feel the kicks and the waves of morning sickness. We carried the life.  They saw our belly grow,  We had mood swings and cravings they experienced our cravings and  mood swings second hand.  We tend to have the nursery decorated and the baby’s wife picked out for them before the pregnancy test dries.  Men deal with the present they don’t live in the future.  Men like to fix things and they can’t fix this! Generally, men are not relational human beings, they are focused on action.  We tend to feel and they deal with facts!  Thus a huge gap is there and it takes a huge amount of understanding and grace on each others part to get through loss and grief especially the early days.

My husband is and was my rock during all my losses. He is positive, He doesn’t push me to try again.  He never has blamed me and has driven me to all kinds of appointments at different hospitals.  He has put up with crying, crying and more crying.  He has heard my irrational thoughts and rants on the unfairness of it all.  He has sat through doctors visits and tests and comforted my son. He is by my side as we didn’t attend birthday parties, because I couldn’t face it.  He has listened while I whispered “ look, she has a baby!!“and knows the hidden meaning in that statement. He has been there, as we have turned movies off because someone is pregnant or lost the baby. He was and is by my side through everything,  in fact he never wants to leave my side and what a blessing that is, but it is  extremely difficult for me as well, because I want to be alone just a little, I process when I am alone, I want to cry , I want to stare at the wall, I want to feel sorry for myself and not put on a happy face .

We grieve differently .  After many years, I have learned that my husband feels deeply, each child was not just my loss but OUR loss and I have to remind myself about that.  He remembers each date, but never says. Never wants to upset.  He has broad shoulders and carries on when I cant!

Different is not wrong or bad, it just different.    I have  learned to carve out time for myself, to process, to cry and to concentrate on myself and not on my earthly child or my husband.    I have learned my husband doesn’t talk about our babies  because he doesn’t want to talk about sad things, to relive the experiences .   So I have my time, things that I do on my own. He gets what he wants/ needs… time together. Give your husband what he needs to grieve, heal together. It is a gift only you can provide.  In time you will grow closer and stronger together

grace ɡrās/noun

1. courteous goodwill.
“at least he has the grace to admit his debt to her”

synonyms: courtesy, decency, (good) manners, politeness, decorum, respect, tact

2. (in Christian belief) the free and unmerited favor of God, as manifested in the salvation of sinners and the bestowal of blessings.

a divinely given talent or blessing.

“the graces of the Holy Spirit”

3. the condition or fact of being favored by someone.

“he fell from grace because of drug use at the Olympics”

synonyms: favor, approval, approbation, acceptance, esteem, regard, respect, goodwill

Middle English: via Old French from Latin gratia, from gratus ‘pleasing, thankful’; related to grateful.

Concentrate on the good in your partner, its all a matter of perspective look for the best, try and see it from their point of view.  Give them the benefit of the doubt , lower your expectations and practice giving grace!!

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