The unbearable ache that I alone have. If I’m lucky, I will catch the eye of my husband in a crowded room or across the grocery aisle and he knows, what I’m thinking, the intense pain, the disbelief that I birthed a babies that were not alive
You hear people commenting that mothering a child is living with your heart walking around on the outside of you. What is it called when your child is dead ? where is your heart then? The truth is living after loss is like living without part of you. My friends and family don’t understand how my life has changed , how I have changed! How I have evolved into something different than before. What that something is … I don’t know yet, as I don’t know this new me.
What I do know:
- I appreciate every single thing about my child, I treasure each moment!
- I can’t make small talk.
- I am much more cynical!
- I don’t believe in odds, because what are the odds of having 4 babies in heaven?
- I don’t care about material things.
- I don’t like crowds.
- I don’t care about little things.
- I am much more private.
- I am much more compassionate.
- I am not prideful.
- I do not believe I have any control.
I completed an exercise recently, where you drew a horizontal line. Then you drew three vertical lines so you have a line separated into 3 equal parts. The left part of the line, you write what you were like before babyloss. The right side, you write what you want to be like when you have healed and the middle part is what you are like now. It is very eye opening to how much you have changed and what you want to be like. I am consciously working towards what qualities I want to possess.
This journey is mine alone, no one else can do this. I have to want to know the new me and move forward, and do this, myself with the help of my heavenly Father. I have to put one foot in front of the other and keep moving it the right direction so I will develop into a person whose life has been touched by my babies. For the loss to make me better not bitter (sorry! a cliche!). A person that has walked through tough times and got through the trials not without hurts and wounds, but with scars where the gaping wounds once were. I want to be a better person, I want my children’s lives to of mattered, for them to be proud of me. Just like the Velveteen Rabbit maybe my scars will make me more real to the people who matter the most to me.