Do you know who I am? Do you know that I am your mom?Do you know how much I love you?Do you know that I would of given anything to have you here with me? to see your bright eyes and smiling face, to experience your fighting with your brother and sitting on your Dad’s lap. Do you see me?Do you feel my love from heaven? Does my love fly to heaven? Do you know how much you are missed? Even now, the ache that I feel, the longing to hold you again. The desire to teach you, to have sleepless nights, wipe away tears and the dirty diapers. I am under no illusions, I want it all.
The unbearable ache that I alone have. If I’m lucky, I will catch the eye of my husband in a crowded room or across the grocery aisle and he knows, what I’m thinking, the intense pain, the disbelief that I birthed a babies that were not alive
I taped Keeping up with the Kardashians and was watching it as I went to bed last night. That show along with the Housewife franchises are my guilty pleasures. I LOVE them!!!
Last night the story focused on Kim and the publics perception of Kanye. She was shooting a music video with Fergie as well. The whole episode made me so sad.
Kim was so concerned about her weight and being a MILF. At one point she was asked by a Stylist what are 3 words that describe her or how she wants the viewers to see her. She said “sexy” or a “MILF” That’s her goal, her want, her need is to be sexy. Kim doesn’t want to be kind or compassionate, or glamorous. Not smart or wise but sexy!
In turn this is what our society wants as well! The majority of us only value what we see. Just the window dressing not the characteristics that take time and perseverance to develop. We do not tend to value any qualities that help society and our families. We lose our usefulness if we aren’t beautiful by society standards. We don’t take notice if someone isn’t gorgeous and all too often we value ourselves less if we aren’t a MILF.
This is so wrong! If we don’t know who we are we won’t have any inner strength to rely on when times are tough. If we only concentrate on the superficial, we won’t develop any type of character to contribute to society or to help ourselves or model to the next generation. What has happened to working hard, being kind or showing compassion? We should all concentrate on making our insides as beautiful as we concentrate on making the outside beautiful.
My outlook has completely changed since I lost our babies. I really see that outsides don’t matter. The insides are what matter. The character you develop will help you through the tough times. The relationships that you have forged will sustain you when times are hard. When your life gets messy the people that value beautiful, will disappear. The ones that can see deeper, feel deeper and value authentic relationship will be there, loving you and pouring their compassion, understanding, and kindness into you.
Baby Loss is a very hard journey on both partners. On your wedding day, between the vows, cutting the cake and posing for pictures , you never think you are going to walk this journey of grief and loss? or how gut wrenching life can be?. You think the future is rosy and you are going to be great at marriage. Then the unthinkable happens and we are so disappointed, hurt emotionally and sometimes physically, that we hurt each other too with insensitive comments and actions.