When I was struggling after my miscarriages and stillbirths, the thought of meals for my family was over-whelming! Deciding what to make daily, going to the store to get the ingredients, make the meal, eat the meal and then the clean up and dishes. I just couldn’t! Some days I couldn’t even call for a pizza (seriously). My Doctor suggested a chef but I couldn’t afford this. I wanted to do once a month cooking, freezer meals or batch cooking but I couldn’t find any healthy meals that my family would like.
It doesn’t take much to bring all the memories back, the smells, the pity and awkward looks on people’s faces, the emptiness and aloneness, being so scared the feelings of being a failure. The unfairness of it all. I will never hold my babies this side of heaven and I so wanted the chance to parent them.
Tonight all the old feelings returned with a vengeance when I was walking in the park and passed a new baby, mommy and daddy. The baby was fussing so they picked him up. I’m not envious that I wanted that baby, but I wanted my babies. My heart gets so sad and so jealous that it’s not me comforting my baby. That I will never smell that beautiful baby smell, comfort my child, hold him, rock him. Why, why? Why did this have to happen? Why am I missing out on weddings, first day of schools, etc.? Why am I living with 4 children in heaven and 1 in earth.
The truth is I will never know. I have to give myself permission not to understand.
Ecclesiastes 11:5 New Living Translation (NLT)
Just as you cannot understand the path of the wind or the mystery of a tiny baby growing in its mother’s womb,so you cannot understand the activity of God, who does all things.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not blaming God for taking my children. I firmly believe, that it is because we live in a fallen world that my children are not with me. I do believe, I do not understand Gods thoughts because I am human. I can’t fathom why I had to experience this! Unlike other people who have experienced baby loss who have found a reason or meaning, to this day, I do not see any good or any meaning in what has happened. I do garner great comfort though from the last half of the verse…so you cannot understand the activity of God, who does all things. He is not being sneaky and not letting us know or laughing at us because we are meer mortals, we simply can not understand because we are human and have human thinking, human brains etc.
As the years go on I hope that pain gets less and less! Acceptance will grow and Joy will return and life will not seem as meaningless.
Do you know who I am? Do you know that I am your mom?Do you know how much I love you?Do you know that I would of given anything to have you here with me? to see your bright eyes and smiling face, to experience your fighting with your brother and sitting on your Dad’s lap. Do you see me?Do you feel my love from heaven? Does my love fly to heaven? Do you know how much you are missed? Even now, the ache that I feel, the longing to hold you again. The desire to teach you, to have sleepless nights, wipe away tears and the dirty diapers. I am under no illusions, I want it all.
Baby Loss is a very hard journey on both partners. On your wedding day, between the vows, cutting the cake and posing for pictures , you never think you are going to walk this journey of grief and loss? or how gut wrenching life can be?. You think the future is rosy and you are going to be great at marriage. Then the unthinkable happens and we are so disappointed, hurt emotionally and sometimes physically, that we hurt each other too with insensitive comments and actions.