Miscarriage, Stillbirth, Baby loss; it is a taboo subject, a topic that is whispered about. A topic that people are afraid to admit happens. Are they afraid they are somehow going to catch it?, like you catch a cold. Is it such obscene topic that we have to keep it hidden? Even our language…loss, we didn’t lose anything!!, like we lose our keys or a shoe. Our baby died!
It doesn’t take much to bring all the memories back, the smells, the pity and awkward looks on people’s faces, the emptiness and aloneness, being so scared the feelings of being a failure. The unfairness of it all. I will never hold my babies this side of heaven and I so wanted the chance to parent them.
Tonight all the old feelings returned with a vengeance when I was walking in the park and passed a new baby, mommy and daddy. The baby was fussing so they picked him up. I’m not envious that I wanted that baby, but I wanted my babies. My heart gets so sad and so jealous that it’s not me comforting my baby. That I will never smell that beautiful baby smell, comfort my child, hold him, rock him. Why, why? Why did this have to happen? Why am I missing out on weddings, first day of schools, etc.? Why am I living with 4 children in heaven and 1 in earth.
The truth is I will never know. I have to give myself permission not to understand.
Ecclesiastes 11:5 New Living Translation (NLT)
Just as you cannot understand the path of the wind or the mystery of a tiny baby growing in its mother’s womb,so you cannot understand the activity of God, who does all things.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not blaming God for taking my children. I firmly believe, that it is because we live in a fallen world that my children are not with me. I do believe, I do not understand Gods thoughts because I am human. I can’t fathom why I had to experience this! Unlike other people who have experienced baby loss who have found a reason or meaning, to this day, I do not see any good or any meaning in what has happened. I do garner great comfort though from the last half of the verse…so you cannot understand the activity of God, who does all things. He is not being sneaky and not letting us know or laughing at us because we are meer mortals, we simply can not understand because we are human and have human thinking, human brains etc.
As the years go on I hope that pain gets less and less! Acceptance will grow and Joy will return and life will not seem as meaningless.
Do you know who I am? Do you know that I am your mom?Do you know how much I love you?Do you know that I would of given anything to have you here with me? to see your bright eyes and smiling face, to experience your fighting with your brother and sitting on your Dad’s lap. Do you see me?Do you feel my love from heaven? Does my love fly to heaven? Do you know how much you are missed? Even now, the ache that I feel, the longing to hold you again. The desire to teach you, to have sleepless nights, wipe away tears and the dirty diapers. I am under no illusions, I want it all.